Attachment Wounds in Relationships—
And How We Heal Them Together

Why Do We Keep Getting Stuck?

So you’ve read about attachment styles (if you haven't you can here). ​You’ve maybe even recognized yourself (and your partner) in those painfully accurate descriptions. Now comes the real-life part, what does all this look like in a relationship—and what can we actually do about it? Because spoiler: even people who love each other deeply can still trigger the absolute hell out of each other’s nervous systems.

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It’s Not Just You or Them—It’s the Cycle

In couples therapy, one of the first things we do is zoom out.
Instead of getting stuck in the “who’s right, who’s wrong” loop, we start asking:
What’s the pattern that keeps hijacking your connection?

 

That pattern usually looks like some version of this:

 

One partner feels unheard or disconnected → reaches out, protests, demands closeness

The other feels overwhelmed or criticized → pulls away, shuts down, goes cold

Which makes the first partner panic more → get louder, more anxious, more urgent

Which makes the second partner shut down harder

Repeat until someone cries, leaves, or googles “are we even compatible anymore?” 

 

This is called a pursue-withdraw cycle, and it’s one of the most common ways attachment wounds show up in couples. But it’s not always so clear-cut. Some couples flip roles. Some collapse together in disconnection. Some live in a quiet tension that never quite erupts—but never feels fully safe either.

 

What’s Really Going On?

Beneath the surface of these conflicts are two nervous systems trying to protect themselves from past pain—often using strategies that made perfect sense in childhood but feel maddening in adult relationships. You’re not “bad at relationships.” You’re likely playing out patterns that once kept you safe.

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In couples therapy, we help you:

• Name the cycle you’re stuck in (with zero blame)

• Understand each person’s attachment strategies—not as flaws, but as protective adaptations

• Identify the deeper needs and fears underneath those strategies

• Practice new responses that create safety, connection, and repair

 

How We Work With This in Couples Therapy:

We take an attachment-based, trauma-informed approach, which means we focus less on “fixing behavior” and more on:

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Making the implicit explicit

We help you say the things that are often too vulnerable to name—like “I get scared you’ll leave” or “When you shut down, I feel invisible.”

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Regulating the nervous system

Because you can’t connect when you’re in fight, flight, or freeze. We teach tools to slow things down, co-regulate, and come back to each other.

 

Finding the story beneath the reaction

That sigh, that eye roll, that silence—it’s not just “annoying,” it’s usually a sign of something deeper. We help you get curious, not critical.

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Practicing repair

Conflict isn’t the problem—rupture happens in every relationship. What matters is how you come back from it. We help you build the muscles of repair: empathy, accountability, and emotional responsiveness.

 

The Goal Isn’t Perfection—It’s Connection

We’re not trying to erase conflict. We’re here to help you fight better.
More honestly. More safely. With more clarity and care.

Because the truth is, every couple has patterns.
The difference between stuck and secure isn’t whether you mess up—it’s how you reconnect.